On my drive home from work I had a feeling I might be pregnant, then minuets later I saw a huge billboard sign for a pregnancy test kit. I knew it was a sign to buy one! I was definitely pregnant and I loved being pregnant! Even though I would complain about getting fat, the morning sickness that lasted all day and the mood swings, I loved that I had a baby inside me growing and needing everything from me. I had the pregnant glow with both my children.
When I was 19 weeks pregnant I went for a regular check-up, I hadn’t felt right for the last couple of days but I didn’t think much of it. I was so looking forward to hearing my baby’s heartbeat and the doctor saying everything is going well. Why wouldn’t everything be okay? After all I was young, healthy and had one good pregnancy behind me.
When I got to the appointment he couldn’t find a heart beat. He must of tried for 15 minutes but I couldn’t believe anything was wrong, I even made jokes with the doctor to take the pressure off. I just figured things can seem wrong but in the end everything would be okay. I had to hold on to hope.
My doctor and I had agreed we couldn’t do anything until the ultrasound, which I had originally booked for the following day. I tried to stay positive. When I got back to work I immediately phoned Kevin and told him what had happened. First there was silence and then Kevin started blaming the doctor for faulty equipment. I did everything I could to hold back the tears.
Kevin and I both took a half-day off for the ultra-sound, we knew it would be good news or bad news. Either way we wanted to spend the time together.
Once the technician was finished with the ultra-sound she said she had to show her doctor some pictures. I knew right then it was bad news, it didn’t happen this way with my first. I started crying; the doctor came in right away and told me our baby had died. Kevin came in right after those awful words.
Our baby had died and we were sent home?
I delivered our baby 3 days later. We were so happy to see the baby but I was confused with the silence and lack of joy for the delivery. Our baby had my nose, daddy’s lips and looked just like Nita did when she was born. We thought and 2 nurses said our baby looked like a boy, later we found out she was actually a girl! Sure our baby was really small, but she was so beautiful! I wanted to hold and lay beside her for a nap; maybe she would wake up or I would wake up from this nightmare.
I held our baby while Kevin and I said our good-byes. I wish that moment could have lasted forever, I didn’t want to give her up.
We named her Zak-Lynn Stranaghan.
Later that morning the nurse told me I had a very active baby who died from umbilical cord entanglement. The cord was wrapped tightly around her neck many times.
Dear Zak-lynn,
I was always so happy and excited about having you. I felt you movements early and your personality was starting to come out. I miss feeling you inside of me.
It hurt so much to lose you; I am really struggling with the pain. I wish I could have had more time with you, more memories to hold on to and a picture to keep.
We weren’t just physically connected but also emotionally, I feel like I know you. I think about you all the time and how perfect things should have been. I will keep your memory alive with daddy, your sister and me. I’ll never forget your beautiful face and the time we had together.
It didn’t matter what sex you were, all I ever wanted was the best for you and I know that would have been with us, your family. I am so proud to have you as my daughter; I love you with all my heart!
Love, hugs and kisses, Mommy (Ana Stranaghan)
