Stories of Lost Children
Daniel: Loved From The First Second
by NH, Ellsworth, WI, U.S.A.
My husband and I have been married for over 7 years and were waiting until we felt "settled" to start a family. Well, that day finally came and we got pregnant really easily and just when we wanted to. Everything was going so well, I had all kinds of energy my first trimester. Then (and this is only figured out after looking back) I started to get tired. I had big circles under my eyes. I didn't get worried really because all the books said that some women experience more tiredness their second trimester than their first. So I thought everything was ok. Then came our first ultrasound - which was scheduled at 19 weeks. We went in, just so excited to see our baby and were told the worst news possible. Our baby had no heartbeat. I was too far along to have a D&C so I was scheduled for induced labor. For some reason my body just didn't want to let go of that little baby and they had to give me dose after dose of progesterone suppositories and later a lot of pain medication because my baby had moved down to just over my cervix, but my cervix wasn't budging. Finally after 46 hours of labor, most of that quite intense, our son Daniel Cassius was delivered. He was 15 cm long and weighed almost 1/4 pound and they said that he had died just after 16 weeks. I had been so afraid that he would look terrible, that maybe he would come out in parts...but he was beautiful. Reading about everyone else's losses has helped me realize that I'm not alone and that the grief of losing a child is the absolute worst thing that can happen. I loved my son from the moment that pink line showed up on the pregnancy test. He was real to me, I heard his heart beating and felt him move. Most people that I know and work with seem to think I should be better, that I should move on - but that was my son! My husband and I feel that we are luckier than most because we were able to hold him and say goodbye. My heart goes out to all parents who have experienced this sadness.
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