Stories of Lost Children
Isaiah, My Angel!
by Karina Gonzalez-T, Brooklyn, NY, U.S.A.
December 2003, my husband and I conceived our second child, little Isaiah. My daughter was 7 months old at the time. My husband and I were overwhelmed with the news and happy to bring another blessing to this world. I was carrying very big, but they say the second time around you carry bigger because your organs have been expanded...whatever! I didn't pay much mind to it. At my 20 weeks' sonogram, my water level was fine and all the organs were present. By my last month, I was huge. My doctor was planning a c-section if we were getting an 8-9 pounder. I am petite and my daughter weighed 6.2 lbs. We were preparing for a big baby, but he wanted to make sure it was all baby. At 36 weeks, my doctor sent me to a sonogram to weigh the baby and he weighed about 6 pounds and my water level was high. At 38 weeks, my doctor sent me for a more detailed sonogram to get a water level number. I was diagnosed with polyhydramios, which is a high water level, signaling there is a problem. On that same day, when I went to take my doctor the results of the sonogram, I was checked. I was 4 cm open without pain. I could've had Isaiah on the train! (talk about every pregnancy being different) Isaiah was born on August 25, 2004. He was diagnosed a week later with a tracheal esophageal fistula, which is a deformity where the trache and the esophagus have a connection. He had a rare case of it called a laryngotracheal cleft; a complete connection at the very top. He had a g-tube inserted and a fondo placation done at 10 days old. The repair of his defect and a tracheotomy were done at 2 weeks old. At a month old, they had to redo his fondo placation because it became undone. His esophagus was dialated every month. He came home for the first time at almost 3 months old. Two days later, he had respiratory distress at home and we were advised to put him in a fragile babies' nursing home during the winter because the dry air was very dangerous for a baby with a trache. I did everything I was advised to do that was the safest for my child. Isaiah had so much progress. He had a lot of downfalls (bacteria, infections, bleeding from the trache, etc.), but he was a fighter! He gained weight, he did so well in therapy, he was so happy around people, and he had a smile that could light up a room! After the cold months went by, he had one more procedure to be done to his airway before the doctors could consider removing the trache. Isaiah is now 8 months old and weighing 13.7 lbs. On May 12, 2005 at 8:55 AM, I got a phone call at work that Isaiah would be taken to the ER because he was bleeding from his trache. I met them there. He got better, but they admitted him for observation. I never slept over with Isaiah because he slept all night and all the nurses knew him as he was there since day one. In addition, I had a toddler at home and I was working full-time to cover all his healthcare needs. By God's grace, I decided to sleep with him that night. He got very irritable at about 10 PM and I kept soothing him and repositioning him. He slept here and there. At 1 AM, I noticed his belly was distended. I called the nurse, we stopped the feeding he was getting via the g-tube. He was inconsolable. Many doctors came in and tried to see what the problem was. The x-rays showed a hernia in his lungs. He had a closed loop obstruction in his small intestines and as a result, they crept up to his diaphragm. When they were giving him CPR, the air was not flowing adequately. We lost Isaiah at 4:55 AM (5/13//05) and he was resuscitated at 5:40 AM after his surgeon opened his abdomen and cleared the obstruction in his small intestine. Isaiah went to the OR to have his abdomen closed. He made it out alive (10:30 AM), but when we were approaching the room to see him, he collapsed again. They tried and tried, but at the end only his heart was working and they asked me to come in and hold him. I was not realizing that this was it. I asked for the ventilator connection that was attached to his trache, but they answered "he doesn't need it any more." (11:33 AM) That was by far the worst day of my life. There is no deeper pain felt that when you have to bury someone that came out of you. I cried so hard, I could feel my heart ache. What was I going to tell my daughter? What time was it? How did this happen? I was there the entire time, thank God. It was like water escaping from your fingertips. It has been almost two months from the day Isaiah became an angel and there is an emptiness that I don't know how to fill. My daughter asks for the baby, but she is too young (25 months old), to understand that the baby is asleep permanently. We go to the cemetery weekly, but I really miss holding him. That night replays in my mind and at times, I think I want to die so that I can see him sooner, but I know my daughter needs me and I am a fighter too! I will find strength in God who is able and put all my effort into my family and wait for another blessing... another baby of hope and purpose! Thanks for sharing my pain...feel free to e-mail me. Karina
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