Stories of Lost Children
Ben's Story
by Andrea, Stockton, CA, U.S.A.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was immediately terrified. Joe and I had only been married for six months and hadn’t planned on getting pregnant any time soon. I had fears. Would I be a good mom? Would Joe be a good dad? I was scared. But before long my fears started to fade away, just as quickly as they had arrived. Instead of thinking … ME A MOM? I was thinking… ME A MOM! Oh yeah! After a short while I was filled with nothing but sheer happiness and excitement. I had my first appointment with the doctor and heard a baby’s heartbeat for the very first time. It was amazing. I had no idea it would be so incredible. At that moment I realized what a miracle life was and I was thrilled at the chance to be able to experience God’s creation. At sixteen weeks, I was advised by my doctor to have an amniocentesis. He explained that the results of a triple screen blood test showed that our baby could possibly have Down’s syndrome. Well, that didn’t matter to us. I knew that no matter what- I was going to have my baby. I would love and care for him no matter what problems lie ahead. But after a week of the unknown, I received a call from the genetic counselor. She gave me the results of my amniocentesis- our baby did NOT have Down’s syndrome. We were also told at this time that our baby was A BOY!! I was due on January, 11th 2006 and I couldn’t have been more excited. I went to my next scheduled doctors appointment excited and ready to discuss the good news. I didn’t expect to hear the most frightening news of all. The doctor said that we were not in the clear yet. He said that the triple screen blood test showed I had high levels of HCG. (HCG is the hormone that maintains the pregnancy) He told me that in some cases were the levels of HCG were high, babies had died sometime in the last few months of pregnancy with no explainable reason. My heart stopped! All I heard over and over in my head was YOUR BABY COULD POSSIBLY DIE! He went on to say that this was just a slim chance and that I had nothing to worry about YET? YET? How the hell it that possible? He said that when I reached my seventh month he would perform a weekly Non Stress Test (NST) on the baby. The NST’s would let us know each week how the baby was doing and if he was in any distress. If there was a problem we would catch it early. Anyway, that’s what he made me think. I was sick with worry. I went home and did an internet search on HIGH LEVELS OF HCG. I searched everything. I put in buzz words, BABY’S DEATH IN LAST TRIMESTER, FETAL DEMISE DUE TO HIGH LEVELS OF HCG. I searched everything. I was comforted by the fact that I found NOTHING. I thought there must really be a SLIM chance of this happening since I couldn’t find a thing about it! We decided to name our baby Benjamin Stephen. I would doodle his name over and over at work. I imagined what he would look like. How great he would be. I could see him playing with Joe and my brothers. I could hear him asking a million questions just like little kids do. I could hear him calling me mommy. I still sometimes doodle his name. We decorated his room in a puppy theme. Puppies everywhere! I imagined how he would love his puppy room. At seven months I had an ultra sound. I was so nervous! But everything seemed fine. We saw him move, kick and stretch out his little arms and legs. Everything seemed to be going great. I could feel him move all day long. I felt his hiccups and kicks at night. But in the back of my head I could hear those terrifying words from my doctor, YOUR BABY COULD POSSIBLY DIE. I tried to tuck the thoughts away in the back of my head as quickly as they popped up! I started my weekly NST’s. I would go in and feel like I couldn’t breathe until I heard his heartbeat! Ben would give the doctor’s assistants such a hard time. Every time they would literally have to chase him around with the monitor on my stomach. And each week he was there with his heart beating strong. I would leave my doctor’s appointments on a cloud. As soon as I got in the car for the drive back to work I would call Joe. “Honey, our little Boo-boo is doing just fine” I would say. I could hear the smile on my husband’s face over the phone! Each week I went in and each week it was fine. They would hook me up and there it was again- a strong SHWOOP, SHWOOP, SHWOOP. He would measure my belly.” Your baby is growing just fine “ he would say. I was so excited I couldn’t stand it. By the beginning of my eighth month I started to notice I was feeling him move less and less. I would talk to him, “ Lil Ben, What’s going on? Why aren’t you moving?” I was worried. I would tell Joe and my mom “ He’s not moving as much anymore” My mom would put her head to my tummy, “Ben, this is your Nana, move for me” I would be relieved if I felt even the littlest thud. But every time I went in for the NST – I held my breath and there it was...shwoop , shwoop, shwoop. He was okay. It must be all in my head I thought. I had heard so many people say how babies slow down and don’t move as much towards the end of pregnancy and I guessed that’s what was happening to me. Besides the doctor wasn’t worried, so everything must be good! January 11 was getting closer. I had my last day of work the week of Christmas. I went through Christmas thinking, this will be our last Christmas with just us. Next year we will have Ben and he will be playing with all of his toys from Santa- how fun that will be! At Christmas dinner Joe’s grandma asked if he was moving. “No grandma he’s being a little lazy boy” In my head I was worried. The day after Christmas I had a doctor’s appointment. The NST looked good. The doctor was struggling with whether or not he should induce me earlier. I told him of my worry of him not moving and he calmed me by reminding me that the NST was showing that the baby is not in any kind of distress. I remember going home and telling everyone how I thought the Doc might induce any day. I joked that he was just letting him “cook” for a few more days. On New Years Day I received a call from the doctor. He said that he was thinking about the fact that I wasn’t feeling any movement and asked if I wanted to come in that day and have Ben. OF COURSE we did! We packed my bag and I ran around the house so excited that I thought I would hyperventilate. We made a video of us getting ready to go and have Ben. We talked to him and told him how excited we were to meet him. Joe videotaped the profile of my stomach so that we could one day show him. It was pouring down rain on the drive to the hospital. I imagined how I would one day tell Ben of the stormy day on which he was born. The elevator doors opened to the third floor maternity ward. With my mom and my husband at my sides we walked in. You could see the love and happiness beaming from our faces. We had no idea of what lied ahead. I lied on the bed as the nurse tried to find Ben’s heartbeat, holding my breath as I did every time we went through this. I just knew I was worried for no reason as usual and soon I would hear that shwoop, shwoop, shwoop. But it wasn’t there. I could see it in her face and my heart stopped. Soon after the doctor came in, “I’m so sorry” he said. This cant be real. This has to be a dream. When am I going to wake up? Please God. Please, I prayed. My husband went out and told his parents. They came in and we all held each other and cried. It didn’t seem real as it was happening. I felt like I had died, not him. At 5:25am on January 2, I had him. Joe cut the cord, the nurses cleaned him up, swaddled him, and placed him on my chest. It was just like I imagined, except for one horrible fact- he was not alive. I still couldn’t believe it as I looked at him. He was perfect, beautiful- He had my face, my husband’s mouth. I kissed his tiny head- I just wanted his eyes to open. We buried Ben a few days later. I never imagined I would have to bury my little baby. I still can’t believe this has happened. I talk to him everyday. I tell him how sorry I am that I couldn’t do anything to save him. I am reminded of my loss everyday. It is hard to see pregnant women, babies or even just children of any age. It seems like every time I open a magazine, every time I turn on the TV, every time I walk out the door…There are one of these reminders staring me in the face. I am reminded by the sadness on people’s faces when they look at me. I am reminded when someone avoids me or says the wrong thing. There are reminders everywhere. I will never be over this and I never want to be. I know one day we will have another baby and I will tell him about his Big Brother Ben. I will tell my baby how lucky he is to have his very own guardian angel watching over him. It is very important to me that no one forgets Ben. He was real. He was here. He lived. He is my son and I am his mom. Ben will always be in my heart.
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