Stories of Lost Children
Always My Baby
by Jennifer McGavic, Louisille, KY, U.S.A.
I was shocked when I looked over and saw those two pink lines pop up on the pregnancy test. I had a early miscarriage 7 months earlier and hadn't been able to conceive again..until now. I was nervous but hopeful. Every time I went to a dr's appointment or got to the ultrasound room, my whole body was shaking. But yet everytime seemed great, my baby even measured ahead of his growth. Once I hit 12 weeks, I let out a sigh of relief. I was entering the second trimester, the chance of anything happening at this point was 2%. I went out and started buying maternity clothes, baby blankets, clothes, etc. One morning when I was 16 weeks pregnant, I was at work and started feeling off (sweating, chills, dizzy), so I left work to go to the immediate care center. I just assumed maybe I was dehydrated. The tech was having problems finding his heartbeat on the Doppler but assured me everything was fine. Finally they decided to just take me back to the ultrasound room. I was not allowed to look at it but when the doctor came in my room a hour or so later,I just knew. "I'm sorry but we no longer saw a heartbeat." They told me to follow up with my dr to discuss my next steps. A few hours later, my fever was getting worse and I felt ready to pass out. I called my ob who then instructed me to go to the hospital. I did so, and they took me to labor & delivery. It all felt like a blur. They gave me Pitocin and not long afterwards I felt the contractions. I remember thinking none of this will be worth it. I won't hear my baby crying, won't get to hold him as he opens and closes his eyes.. Around 9PM he was brought into the world. So tiny but yet so perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes. His name was Kain Alexander Strickland. I was kept in the hospital for 3 days as my loss was due to an infection. I remember calling the funeral home to set up arrangements for cremation and I cried the whole time. To this day, I don't know how the secretary understood what I was saying. I remember handing him over to the nurse when I had to leave and just wished somehow I would wake up and this would be a nightmare. The next day I had to identify him at the funeral home. My baby was in a casket.. I broke down and my boyfriend had to take me out of the room. My son was cremated and since then, his father and I have split up. We split the ashes between us. No matter how much time passes, I will always feel as if my baby was in my arms yesterday.
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