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DO Allow them to
express as much grief as they are able and are willing to share with you.
DO allow them
to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and willing to share with you.
DO allow them
to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
DO be available.
to listen, to run errands, to help with the other children, or whatever else seems
needed at the time.
DO deal with the
grieving individual gently and positively.
DO encourage them
to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves.
DO encourage them
to not impose any “shoulds” or “I should be” on themselves.
DO give special
attention to the child's brothers and sisters at the funeral and in the months
to come (they are often in need of attention which their parents may not be able
to give).
DO let your genuine
concern and caring show.
DO offer specific
help such as running errands, helping complete tax or medical forms, or helping
to go through their loved one’s belonging.
DO offer to be
a friend.
DO recognize that
grieving has no time limit and varies from individual to individual both in the
way they express their grief and the time required to stabilize.
DO talk about your
memories of the deceased child and the special qualities that made the child endearing.
DO tell the family
how sorry you are about the child’s death and about the pain they must be
feeling.
Acknowledge the death through
visits, phone calls, sympathy cards, donations, and flowers.
Remember important days such as birthdays, the death anniversary, Mother's Day,
Father's Day, and any other significant day, which may be difficult for the bereaved.
A telephone call, visit, or card means a great deal to a bereaved parent.
Make specific offers to help, i.e.
i. I am going to the store. What do you need?
ii. Can I take your kids on Sunday afternoon?
i. On Thursday I will be bringing by dinner for the family.
ii. I will take your child to skating lessons on Sunday.
iii. Can I come and baby-sit tomorrow evening to give you a break.
iv. Do you want to get out tonight to talk, walk, or both.
Offer to take the children to schools, birthday parties, and extra-curricular
programs.
Immediately following the loss, take charge of the household and inform family
and friends of the tragedy, help answer the phone, help dress and feed the children
(if applicable), and set up a meal plan.
Call. Call often.
When you call the bereaved, ask, "How are you doing today?"
Appreciate that your bereaved relative or friend doesn't always return phone calls
right away.
Appreciate that nothing you say will ever make the bereaved parent sadder than
the reality of what has happened to their child.
Talk in your natural tone of voice.
Remember that when you phone, even if it is to only leave a message, the bereaved
feel comforted by your efforts.
Tell the bereaved family how much you care.
Remember it is usually the simple little things you say or do that mean so much.
Listen.
Continue to support bereaved parents well beyond the acute mourning period, even
if it means years..
Congratulate the bereaved on good news while appreciating that they still carry
a tremendous burden of grief.
Find local support through bereavement groups, church, synagogue, bereavement
organizations and forward the information to the bereaved family.
Be sensitive that being in the presence of other children of similar age to the
deceased may make the bereaved parent uncomfortable.
Give the bereaved time to resume the activities they participated in before their
loss.
Know that effort of any kind is appreciated.
Learn how to give good hugs. The bereaved need every heartfelt hug they can get.
Expect your relationship with the bereaved to change. When you are bereaved, every
relationship is affected in one way or another.
Share your own good news with the bereaved. They still want to hear it.
Say any of the following:
i. Call me at any time if you ever need to talk.
ii. I can't begin to imagine how you feel.
iii. I am so sorry for your loss.
Feed and walk the dog who has probably been forgotten about.
Talk to your children about the loss.
Talk to your children about death and the rituals surrounding death.
Find the right time and the right materials to broach the discussion of loss and
bereavement with your children.
Consult with your libraries and bookstores for bereavement reading materials for
children.
Provide your surviving children with a picture of the departed child as a cherished
momento.
Give children the option to attend the funeral.
Give children the option of visiting at the cemetery.
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DON’T avoid
mentioning their loss or the child's name out of fear of reminding them of their
pain (they haven't forgotten it!).
DON’T change
the subject when they mention their dead child.
DON’T tell
them what they should feel or do.
DON'T avoid the
bereaved parents because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends adds
pain to an already painful experience.)
DON'T let your
friends, family or co-workers grieve alone. There is a tremendous sense of isolation
and abandonment during the grief process. You can help by caring, by being there,
and by being the best friend you can.
DON'T make any
comments which in any way suggest that their loss was their fault.
DON’T point
out that at least they have their other children (children are not interchangeable;
they can not replace each other).
DON'T say "Your
loved one is waiting for you over there," "God wanted him," "It
was God's will," or "God knows best."
DON'T say “you
can always have another child.”
DON'T say “you
should be coping or feeling better by now” or anything else which may seem
judgmental about their progress in grieving.
DON'T say that
you know how they feel (unless you've experienced their loss yourself you probably
don't know how they feel).
DON'T suggest that
they should be grateful for their other children. Grief over the loss of one child
does not discount the parents’ love and appreciation of their living children.
DON'T tell them
not to cry. It hurts us to see them cry and makes us sad. But, by telling them
not to cry, we are trying to take their grief away.
DON'T tell them
what they should feel or do.
DON'T try to find
something positive (e.g. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about the loss.
Allow your own fears from
preventing you from offering support to the bereaved.
Fear that bringing up the dead child's name will create sadness.
Say, "If you need anything call me" because the bereaved don't always
know how to call and ask for your support.
Be afraid if you make your bereaved friend or relative cry.
Think that good news (family wedding, pregnancy, job promotion, etc.) cancels
out grief.
Have expectations for what bereaved parents should or should not be doing at different
times in their grief.
Forget the overlooked mourners (grandparents, uncles, aunt's, close friends etc.)
who need your support too.
Force bereaved people to talk about their loss. They will engage you when the
time is right.
Find yourself saying any of the following:
i. It was God's will.
ii. It was meant to be.
iii. He's in a better place now.
iv. Time heals all wounds.
v. I know just how you feel.
vi. You are still young enough to have more children.
vii. Are you not over it yet?
viii. At least you have other children.
ix. Your child is in a better place.
x. It was for the best.
xi. Now you will have an angel in heaven.
xii. It could have been worse...
xiii. It's been ______ amount of time and you have to get on with your life.
Expect grieving parents to be strong and don't compliment them if they seem to
be strong.
Tell a grieving parent how they should feel.
Be afraid of reminding the parents about the child. They haven't forgotten.
Be afraid to cry or laugh in front of the bereaved.
Assume that when a grieving parent is laughing, they are over anything or grieving
any less.
Wait until you know the perfect thing to say. Just say whatever is in your heart
or say nothing at all. Sometimes just being there is comfort enough.
Underestimate the impact of grief on children. Children understand and retain
a lot more than they may show.
Think that children are too young to appreciate loss or death.
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